Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
