Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
