he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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