At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
