we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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