dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
