i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
