dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
