I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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