My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
