I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Vodka?
Forever.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
