as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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