what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
