it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
