we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize