FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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