I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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