I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
