i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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