just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
