Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize