the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
