I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
