we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize