everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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