not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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