high people should be assigned attendants
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
