Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
