Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
