In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
