there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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