I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
