fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I love having hate sex.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
