he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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