I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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