even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
