do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
