i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
