Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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