I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize