Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize