I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
