My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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