did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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