she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
