I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Who did Billy Mays play for?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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