I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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