No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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