life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My underwear smells like fireworks.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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