Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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