I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
