I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
