Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
