Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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