was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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