I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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