so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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