We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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