Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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